Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Spread your Wings...




This painting is hanging in our room, a reminder that I am no longer the person I once was.  I no longer wear a mask, I am who I am, I accept myself the way I am and I love that. You're no longer a little caterpillar, you have grown into a butterfly spread your wings and fly....


Lovelies, have you ever felt like you are living in a "box" and just counting the days until you muster up enough courage to break out of that box?? 

This last year has been a great year for me, I have been completely free of all health issue's, started working, rediscovered my Faith and relationship with God, converted to the Catholic Faith and finally started to become the woman I have always wanted to be.
It has been an incredible year of growing and with growing comes growing pains. I am finally ready to share my story of growing from the caterpillar to the butterfly who is learning to spread her wings and fly!!!

I have always been blessed with a great marriage and relationship with Mr.V. Our girls have always been healthy and amazing little beauties. We own our own businesses and I have great friends and great relationship's with my in-laws and my parents. You're probably asking yourself so what was the problem??
That's the funny thing, there wasn't an actual problem. I did have some serious health scares like a hystercetomy due to cervical cancer and axillary surgery after due to masses found under both underarms, but after two surgeries those issues were gone and healed but none the less I found myself for the very first time in such a low place in my life.

After my first surgery, my hysterectomy,  I started having anxiety attacks and dealing with self images issues. After my second surgery everything worsened. I didn't talk to anyone about the issues I was dealing with, I felt like they would think I was crazy because honestly I had/have a life that is pretty amazing. I kept it all in didn't even talk to Mr. V about it. I felt like every time I left the house I put on a mask to cover my depression a fake smile so no one would see what was truly going on with me. I started to distant myself from my friends but then cry when I felt like I was being left out. Pretending to be OK when I wasn't was the hardest and most exhausting thing I have ever done in my life!!


The days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months of pure depression and anxiety. Life was crumbling right before me and I couldn't stop it. It got to the point that getting out of bed was a chore it literally hurt my body. I was to the point that I NO longer wanted to live, I hated everything about myself and constantly felt guilty because I had no reason to feel the way I did. I hated myself for being depressed and for letting it go on so long but I couldn't stop it, I couldn't stop digging the hole I was in. Nothing I did brought me out of the constant darkness I was in, until one night when everyone was asleep I hit my knees and cried out I cant do this anymore!!! The next day Mr. V told me he felt like we needed to start attending church.

St. Agnes Church has always been a place that had brought peace to me. We didn't attend St. Agnes as members because we were not Catholic but most of our friends are so we would attend when they had some sort of Church event they invited us too. I told Mr. V the only way i would go to church is if we went to St. Agnes secretly hoping he would say no we aren't Catholic. He didn't say no, we found peace and I found my lost relationship with the Lord. The rest is history we started to attend classes and converted to the Catholic Faith and slowly my depression left me and my anxiety became something of the past.

Our recent vacation to California has helped further my process of becoming the woman I have always wanted to be. I'm living outside that box and I am no longer the caterpillar that hides and just tries to fit in. I am a strong and beautiful butterfly who has discovered my wings, my self worth, my own dreams and desires. I no longer have self images issues and I love embracing all my flaws and the person God has created me to be.

Lovelies, I'm sharing my story to remind you that everyone has dark times, everyone falls but it's how we get back up and take control of your life. 

new me needs new nails!!


I feel brand new and I am thankful everyday for this new chance at life!!







XO,
Malani





No comments:

Post a Comment